This weekend, I was struck by a horrible illness. Some bug has turned me into it's dirty mucus factory, and I can't do much besides read, write, watch videos and think. In other words, I've been forced to slow down and enjoy my favorite activities.
So here's what's on my mind - I think I'm ready to make a baby. I mean, I'm just about as ready as I'm ever going to be, despite the normal fears (of child birth, of losing my life as I know it, of the potential that I could be another bad parent that screws up a kid). I want to wait until Dan and I are established elsewhere, which should happen in the next year or so. Hopefully, I'll still be fertile. If I've inherited my mother's ovaries - she gave birth to seven children between ages 27 and 44 - I think I should be able to beget a human or two.
So, why does child-rearing seem right right now? Honestly, my body's been ready for at least a decade. Truly, it was ready when I hit puberty, but there was a point around age 20 when babies started getting me really excited. And then in my mid-twenties, I started experiencing these incredibly intense periods, during which my body seemed to scream at me, "Why oh why won't you get knocked up?!" Birth control has regulated that weird impulse, which is a good thing, because until recently, I just didn't feel like I was mature enough to be a mom.
Great Lakes Myth Society, a really wonderful local band, has this song called "Foolish Motives of Lost Debates" in which the singer asks, "When will I cease fucking up endlessly?" That was the definitive question for most of my adult life. I just couldn't help myself from making a lot of bad choices. In just the last couple years, I've been trying really hard to not shoot myself in the foot - financially, physically, in my marriage, etc. I think I've finally become a self-preserving person, which could mean that I'm ready for a little person to depend upon me.
And then there's this feeling I get when I see a fresh new human, with those eyes that take in everything, clinging to its parent's body. I know how lovely it is when my cat clings to me or my dog nuzzles up to my side, and I wonder how that next phase of love must feel.