Friday, October 4, 2013

Facebook Notification - Everyone Dislikes Your Disgusting Belly

At age 36, I'm the fittest I've ever been. Mind you, I didn't say "skinniest". I'll put it this way - I still can't do a real push-up yet, but I'm way closer to that goal than I ever was. I owe it all to this P90X class I've been taking off and on for the past 11 months. When I attend diligently and really give it my all these are the benefits I feel most, in order of importance -

1)     A sense of calm and very little desire to smoke cigarettes
2)     I look better than I did before
3)     I don't have to feel guilty about not working out

So, yeah, vanity is almost at the top of the list, but I don't stress the details. I don't know my weight at this moment or how my waistline measurement compares to six months ago. I just know my jeans are looser and that feels great.

But Facebook advertisers won't let me forget my stomach is still a pile of jiggly, flesh covered lard. No doubt, belly fat or lack thereof is a great indicator of progress. I check that flab every time I shower. Yes, I like to see it shrink. Then I cover it up with some flattering threads and move on with my day. "No, wait!" says Facebook. "You need to remember you're disgusting." Apparently, I require that reminder every time I scroll for cat videos or photos of my friend's newborn baby.

I usually keep scrolling - of course I never click - but I don't doubt that that these ads have some subtle psychological effect. Their messages are supposed to resonate deep within my subconscious mind. Maybe I don't feel it until later. Like when I'm premenstrual bloated, laying on the couch, eating chips and dip and I sigh at the sight of a muffin top roll sticking out of my shirt, maybe the Facebook advertisers win. But when I actually stop to look at these ads and really consider what they're saying, my inner wiseass always has a silly response, such as:

WTF is with that mess? I can't post a pic of me breastfeeding my kid, but Diet Tricks can show pubes?! WAIT false alarm. It's just an ill-fitting thong. That gets me every time....

Fatty doesn't get new underwear TIL SHE HITS 25%.

You can definitely lose weight quickly AND have kick-ass abs. Price to pay - you become an obsessive selfie-shooting asshole with a dumb iPhone case and nobody likes you.

Dr. Oz admires his self-portrait. 

Whatever, my belly is way flatter than that... and I'd trade it in a heartbeat for those boobs. JUST KIDDING I didn't get that ad from Facebook. For some weird old reason I never see it there. Instead, I always see it when I google recipes like this:

Fair enough.


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