Monday, January 20, 2014

Tug of War

Tomorrow will be my last day as a part-time cheesemonger. After that, I will return to being a full-time mama. I am very excited and very freaked out.

I'm excited because I get to spend more time with my daughter and less time worrying about her when we aren't together. I'm not a worrier by nature, but you see a lot of sad families at a grocery store. Sour thoughts can be so persistent.

I'm freaked out because in the first eight months of my child's life, when I stayed home full-time, I kinda forgot how to talk to people and I'm worried that's gonna happen again. I'm mostly happy to be a hermit, but I do require some social interaction.

I'm excited because, in addition to the time I won't be working outside the house, I'll get back those three hours I spend commuting through the ugliest part of town every week. We've been juggling two jobs with one shitty, dying car. We're over it.

I'm freaked out because of money.

I'm excited because once again, I shall delve into a thrift obsession. I get off on seeing how frugal I can be. 

I'm freaked out because I come from the land of Yankees and their annoying work ethic. I can't help feeling like a loser when I'm unemployed because working hard (even for a shit wage) is what good little children do. I don't completely buy this philosophy, but it does rule a bit of my heart.

I'm excited because I'll have time to work harder at more personally fulfilling endeavors - raising my kid, thrift, fitness and writing.

I'm freaked out because of the cheese loss. I'm really gonna miss snacking on all that luscious cheese.

I'm excited because of autonomy. This is probably the closest I'll ever get to being an entrepreneur.

I'm freaked out because, as Dylan said, "You're gonna have to serve somebody." For me, that somebody is a two year old. And while she's the cutest, most lovable boss I'm ever gonna have, she's also such a temperamental naysayer.


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