I've been lucky in that I rarely suffer a depressing work life and a depressing home life simultaneously. Usually, if I'm having a tough time at work, I can look forward to going home; conversely, if life at home is bad, work can be a mental vacation from those woes.
The trouble right now is that both work and my personal life are a tad shitty, and for the same reason - the long and seemingly ceaseless silence that I have come to expect in both realms. For the past month or so, when I am on the clock, I spend the better part of an eight hour day staring at a computer, waiting for the phone to ring. Business is beyond bad. People were laid off earlier this week, and while I feel lucky and grateful to still have this job, I also can't get around the fact that there is almost no work to be done.
This is the first job I've ever had where I sit at a desk all day. Though I had misgivings about that arrangement, I'm basically fine with the sedentary part of it so long as I'm mentally engaged. But these days, instead of thinking toward some useful endeavor, I find myself watching the clock, dying for my shift to end (though hoping that I won't be sent home too early, because I can't afford to have my hours trimmed any further).
And when my day is finally over, I come home to my Dan-less apartment. Granted, there's more to amuse me there - my cat, my books and records, my kitchen. But I miss the conversation and the sex and the sound of his favorite song or the sight of his book.
Frankly, I'm sick of myself and the contents of my brain. I'm tired of reflection. And I'm done with trying to convince myself that surely, I must be able to dig up some sort of solution to these problems. I'm learning that there's some grace in accepting the fact that life really does just suck sometimes.
But, I can also look forward to Dan coming back tomorrow! Even though he doesn't technically move out of his Detroit place until Monday, we will be together after tonight. I also have to believe that business will pick up at work. It won't go back to being what it was when I was hired 18 months ago, but I do believe this is the nadir (that's a big show of hope from a cynic like me!).
And now, on an unrelated note, I would like to share the quote of the workday, brought to you by my coworker
Coworker (staring at a copy of Real Detroit): I wish Kid Rock was from somewhere else
It may have been the only good laugh I got out of this day, but it was a pretty damn good one